When things aren't "just right. . ."

Wow, it’s been over ten months since our awesome son came into our lives, and it has been the most enriching, rewarding, and joyful experience.

But, on top of all of the usual blessings of parenthood, I think the biggest blessing has been the way that God has worked in my heart during these last ten months. . .

"it was then that I carried you"

You see, I am a perfectionist at heart.  You may not know it to look at me, because my house if often messy, and my clothing and makeup not always done, but deep down I have an awful desire for everything to be just right.  I can’t stand conflict.  If I find something wrong on my phone bill on a Saturday night and I can’t fix it until Monday morning, watch out, because I can’t stand to have something out of place for two whole days.  Before I can begin writing I feel I need to have a space to write that is just right.  Of course, I don’t have time to remodel and design a space like this, so I put off writing.  Before I can buy new clothes my body has to be just right.  Before I can have people over I want my house to be just right.  It never is.  I have people over and buy new clothes (rarely, but it does happen) anyway, but sometimes this gnawing thing inside me says the experience would be so much better if I could just have everything the way I want it: Perfect. . .or at least, what I think is perfect.

Where am I heading?  Well, as all new parents know, when you have a baby sleep pretty much goes out the window.  You expect this, at least for a few months, but as most experts say, by 6 months most babies are only getting up once a night.  Not mine.  No sir.  Our little lovebug slept pretty well from about 1-3 months, then, around Thanksgiving, he decided that he wanted to wake up at 9, then at 12, then at 2, then at 5.  I’m not kidding.  I was just starting to get over the initial newborn sleep deprivation, and then it happened all over again.  I needed sleep.  I started to worry about what the lack of it would do to my brain.  Would I go crazy?  Don’t they use sleep deprivation as a form of torture?

Needless to say, when you’re physically and mentally exhausted all day, things do not feel just right.  But this was my lesson, and I needed to learn it.  I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that God wanted to teach me to rely on Him for strength, and above all, to be able to find joy when things were not just right.  How do you find joy, how do you become content despite your physical and emotional state?  A hard lesson for someone like me, but He knew the way to teach me.

Even on the few nights when our son would sleep well, something would wake me up.  The dog would want to go out.  It would thunder and I would wake.  On top of that, it took me at least an hour to fall asleep at bedtime and after I’d wake to feed Sam or let the dog out or whatever.  For nearly six months I lived on 1-2 (3 if I was lucky) hour chunks of sleep at a time.  There were days when I was angry. . . “Okay God, I get it.  I need you.  I need you for energy. . .now help me sleep!”  It became the proverbial thorn in my side.  As Beth Moore says, sometimes God wants to show us his sovereignty, and we pray, and God yanks out whatever thorn is in our side to show us His power; but, sometimes His goal is different.  Sometimes He just wants to teach us that His grace is enough.  “My grace is sufficient for you.”  He whispers it to me every day.  “You can do all things through me.  I will strengthen you.”

 After a while, I let go.  Granted, there were still moments of anger.  Moments when, like a stubborn child, I would cross my arms and furrow my brow and whine for my way.  There were moments that I would cry because all I wanted was to sleep.  But I learned.  I learned that He would help.  I began to trust that He wouldn’t let my mind unravel.  He would sustain me.  He would give me energy, He would give me JOY.  He would help me to be a good mother and give me what I needed to make it through each day. . .not as a zombie but as a person who was finding out that life could be beautiful even when everything is not just the way I want it to be.

Paul wrote in Philippians that he’d learned the secret to being content in every situation.  He suffered beatings, imprisonment, shipwrecks, sleepless nights.  He was near death countless times.  His circumstances were FAR from being just right.  But he’d learned. . .God had taught Him through these hardships, through thorns, through lessons that would be impossible to forget, that the goal of this life isn’t to live as comfortably as we can.  The goal isn’t to amass wealth and sleep well and have the “perfect” house, car, body.  The goal is to know Him who sacrificed everything out of love.  The goal is to be like Him, to realize how He loves us and to let Him teach us.  Even when it hurts.  Even when things aren’t just right.  He is there, working it all out for our good when we truly love Him.  When we let go.

And wouldn’t you know, He finally took the thorn out. . .for now.  My son and I are finally sleeping, and it’s not because of anything I did.  Believe me, I tried every method of getting my baby to sleep, and I tried tons of ways to get myself to be able to fall asleep.  Nothing worked but God. . .He knew just when I’d learned, truly, that His grace was enough.  He knew when it was written on my heart so that I wouldn’t forget it. . .so that when the next trial comes, I can look back and see His work and know that He will sustain me through it all!