. It's about four women and their different experiences having kids. I have to say that when I read the book several years ago, I thought I understood the title. Yeah, I get it, babies are life-changing. . .like an earthquake. Now though, after going through it myself, I really get it. They are life-changing. . .like an earthquake. They shake you up; they upheave your entire world. They turn it all upside down but in a good way. . .only, it's kind of tough to see this all as blissful wonderfulness when you have just pushed a human being out of your body. You're still in physical pain, your hormones are immediately going haywire, and you haven't slept and probably will not sleep for several more days.That's why I wanted to continue to talk about expectations, only this time in reference to what I thought having a newborn would be like vs. what it actually was like. I'm going to be completely honest and blunt here, so I want to say right off the bat that I'm not complaining. I simply want to share my experience in hopes that other moms who have gone or will go through the same thing may find some comfort, maybe a little humor, and some hope that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. So here it is, Sam's homecoming (along with some tips for bringing home baby):
People kept telling me that once I had a baby I would rarely get to sleep. I don't know why, but I must've been filing this in the back of my brain in the same space where I had the information: "labor hurts." The file is labeled "things that are true but too difficult for me to believe so I'm going to pretend it won't apply to me." I put A LOT of things in that file. I like to tell myself that I am some kind of exception. . .um, I'm slowly learning that isn't the case. For some reason, I envisioned bringing home my newborn baby and even though I knew I would have to wake up every few hours or so to feed him, it would be just like when I had to get up to pee when I was pregnant. Wake up, get out of bed, get the job done, go back to sleep. I figured I'd get about eight hours of sleep per night. Sure it would be broken sleep, but that would be okay. I pictured my baby sleeping blissfully in my arms or in the swing during the day. While in his swing, I would have coffee with friends, keep my house spotless, sew all sorts of cool projects I'd found on Pinterest, and probably cook dinner and bake some pastries. When Paul would get home from work we'd go for a walk while our baby slept in the stroller. We'd stare lovingly at our little one and life would be just like it was before, only with an extra, wonderful family member.
The reality: life is nothing like it was before. It's better, but entirely different. I'm going to talk about "mourning" my old life later in this post, but let me start out by saying: neither of us slept in the hospital. Our amazing little piglet wanted to eat every hour. I kept falling asleep in the bed with him attached to me. I'd startle awake and feel like the worst mom ever for falling asleep with him in my arms, but the nurses had inferred that I shouldn't send him to the nursery to get some rest. "We recommend he stay in the room with you," they'd said. This is my first tip:
1. Don't feel guilty about letting them take baby to the nursery for a few hours. If you need it, take advantage of that service. He or she will not starve. It doesn't make you a bad mom. Back in the day ALL babies went to the nursery and for good reason: so mom could recover from the very physical ordeal that is labor and reserve some energy for when she's at home and there aren't Dr.s and nurses to help out! I know that all (or most) of the books say that it's so important to "room-in" with baby. Yes, it's important to spend time with him/her, and you WANT to; however, I believe that severe sleep deprivation can affect the "bonding" process just as much if not more than sending baby to the nursery for a couple of hours here and there. Sadly, I was still striving for perfection, so I refused to ask them to take him there (though if they'd offered I probably would have said "yes")!
When we got home (after the most nerve-wracking two mile drive ever), I remembered that I had dogs and was suddenly worried about dog hair getting on my little baby. I was overwhelmed that my house was not perfectly clean, and I was suddenly aware that I knew nothing about being a parent! I hadn't read any of the parenting books I'd bought. I had to have Paul show me how to give Sam a bath, which, let me tell you, was quite unpleasant. That first bath. You'd have thought we were performing some sort of midieval torture routine the way that he screamed. Oh yes, the screaming. In my fantasies, my baby didn't cry, and I was quite unprepared for the volume and frequency of Sam's cries. Now I don't say this to scare anyone. In fact, I know that some people have "easy" babies. I didn't. Though I don't think I'd classify it as colic, Sam cried A LOT. Those blissful walks in the stroller? I think it took eight weeks to even get him into the infant seat without blood-curdling howls. All of my plans for socializing, cleaning, cooking. . .essentially being the perfect wife, mother, friend, the perfect woman, went out the window (not that I could ever be perfect anyway but that struggle is another blog for another day). It hurt to sit down, it hurt to stand up, and oh, babies like to eat every two hours! I didn't sleep. Both my husband and I experienced moments where we were at our wits' end. We loved our little one in this totally indescribable way, but at the same time we wondered how in the world we were going to DO this thing! When it's 1 am and you haven't slept for more than 45 minutes at a time for 6 days, you begin to wonder what you were thinking becoming a parent. . . sleep deprivation is a very powerful enemy (in fact, I haven't looked this up but I'd be willing to bet that you can actually go crazy from it), which leads me to my second tip (one I know you've heard):
2. Sleep when baby sleeps. Really. Even if you got a bunch of sleep in the hospital, or if you've adopted a newborn, your world has been rocked and only a very small percentage of babies sleep through the night early on. Though we did not have an "easy" baby, there were times that he would sleep during the day in the beginning. My mother, my mother-in-law, my husband. They all told me to take a nap, but I just couldn't. There were people at my house. There were things to do. I had to read the baby books. I needed to call back friends who wanted to visit. I had to shower. I really really wish I'd listened to their advice. I think that if I'd gotten even a little bit of sleep in the first week being home, I might have felt a lot better about my new life. I know it is hard but my advice is to do what you need to do to sleep. If you can't sleep with people over, kindly ask them if they wouldn't mind coming at another time. Friends will understand if you take a few days to call back. Housework can wait (which will lead me to another point later). The most important thing in your life after having a baby is loving and caring for him/her. The second most important thing is sleep. Even 10 minutes here and there is better than none.
As it was, I tried to make some of my "perfect wife/mother/woman" fantasy happen, and about five days after bringing Sam home, there I was with a vacuum in my hand, hobbling around, straining to bend down to get under the furniture. I have this weird thing where I think I can't do anything else until the house is clean. Foolishness. I shouldn't have been cleaning. Despite the fact that I should have been sleeping, I probably could have hurt myself as I was still healing from labor. Tip number three:
3. Housework can wait (or be delegated). If you're blessed like me, you probably have family and friends that would be more than willing to help you out with the dishes, the vacuuming, the laundry. LET THEM! Your job is to rest and enjoy your new baby. Take whatever awake time you have to bond with him/her and to enjoy the fleeting few weeks when your little one is so little. There is a poem by Ruth Hulbert Hamilton called "Song for a Fifth Child," and the last few lines go...
I can't read that poem without it bringing me to the brink of tears. And speaking of tears. . .
4. Expect some "baby blues." I really didn't. I didn't expect that I would be "sad" after having a baby, but there were times when I was. After-all, having a child is supposed to be the most joyous event in a person's life...and it was! That said, you still have to remember that your body has just been through the gauntlet of labor. If you've adopted, you are still adjusting to a completely new life. Gone are the eight hours of sleep you used to get each night. Gone are the days of just jaunting out the door without a care in the world. Getting out of the house now takes at least 20 minutes of preparation. With an achy body and hormones that make a roller coaster look tame, with all of the expectations and joy mixed with severe sleep deprivation, feeling a little down is perfectly normal. In fact, some experts say that around 70% of women experience the "baby blues." This passes. It really does. In fact, you'll be surprised how much better you feel once baby sleeps for a four or five hour stretch (and you do too); however, in the midst of it all it can be easy to forget that you will sleep again, so take my last tip to heart and. . .
5. Give yourself a break! Don't feel bad for feeling bad. Don't feel bad for missing your old life. It's okay. While you've just added a precious member to your family, in a way you're also experiencing a loss. Life will never be the way it was. Your old life is gone. It's okay to mourn it, but just remember the joy that your "new" life will be filled with!
The moment I saw Sam, I was filled with a love that I stated before as 'indescribable.' He was perfect. He was more than I could have wished for. But I have to say that every day the love I have for him grows. It becomes deeper and deeper, more profound. I never thought I could love someone so much on the day he was born. Now, three months later, I've realized that it keeps growing. My heart keeps filling. Bringing home a new baby was overwhelming, but time went on. We got the hang of things. My cup truly does overflow. . .so much that I would definitely do it all over again even if I forget to follow my own "tips!"
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